Article Overview
The Need For Better Communication
Five Steps For More Productive Conversations
The Need For Better Communication
Effective communication is such a key part of our jobs as a teacher. Not only do we need to effectively communicate ideas to our students in class, but we also need to navigate conversations with parents, colleagues, and administrators. Not all these conversations are easy and frictionless. There are many times in our jobs as teachers that we have to tackle problems. A key step to solving many of the problems is often a conversation with a student, parent, administration, and/or a coworker. However, sometimes we get so caught up with trying to present and justify our own side that we fail to understand the other person. Conversation, then, becomes a battle rather than a genuine dialogue that can move both parties forward. No one is truly heard and both sides are left frustrated.
In an authentic dialogue, both parties are able to express their thoughts and feelings. Both parties are heard and understood by the other. Both parties find common ground and are able to make a plan or move towards a resolution. Everyone leaves the conversation feeling like something was resolved, that it was a productive use of their time and efforts.
I’ve found that the two most important goals to keep in mind when approaching potentially difficult conversations are 1) seek to understand the other person and 2) be solution-oriented. The five-step process I describe below is geared towards achieving these two things concretely. I’ve found a lot of success and have avoided a lot of unnecessary conflict with this process. I’ve tried to practice it within my own communication with students, parents, and colleagues. Though, it does look slightly different when I’m dealing with students (there will be another article on that later). It’s also something I’ve taught students to do. I’ve been amazed by the results. Adult meetings that begin with charged emotions and tension have resulted in sighs of relief and actionable plans. In the classroom, students have entered into much deeper and more authentic dialogue with one another during class discussions and conflict resolution.
Respect is Key
Before we dive into the five steps, however, it’s important to note that respect is key. I know it’s a no-brainer, but it’s very easy to forget respect when there’s a lot of emotions and tension involved. It’s important to be intentional about respect from the very beginning so that we don’t lose sight of it.
Make sure to always use language that is respectful. I’m not saying to be disingenuous or to resort to flattery, but avoid name-calling or labeling people. Try to be as objective as possible in your language by stating observed behaviors rather than describing or labeling people. I know some situations make it difficult to do so, but try to keep yourself free from any negative emotions or stress as you engage in the conversation. This will help you stay level-headed and avoid falling into name-calling or playing the blame game.
Even if the other side is disrespectful of you, remember that the way they treat you does not take away from your worth. The way you treat them is what will say a lot about you. No one has the power to diminish your dignity and self-worth by their actions or how they treat you, so don’t let them affect you that way. At the same time, don’t take abuse. Leave the conversation if they are being abusive, manipulative or if you feel unsafe.
Five Steps For More Productive Conversations
Keep in mind that this is a general guideline and there is no perfect script for individual conversations. Authentic dialogue is organic and is shaped by the individual responses of the parties involved. You may have to cycle through the steps several times during one conversation or hop around a little, but the main goals should remain the same.
1: Listen.
The very first step is to listen with the goal of understanding the other person. A lot of people listen so that they can respond. When they do this, they tend to hang on to specific things that were said that they can respond to. They fixate on minor details rather than getting the big picture and trying to understand what the other person sees or feels. It’s very important to first gain a genuine understanding of the other person’s perspective and where they’re coming from. If you dive into talking without first doing this, how would you be able to find common ground with the other person and move towards a solution?
Also, by understanding the other person first, you would be able to better frame and communicate your perspective so that the other person is more likely to understand and relate to you. Though you don’t necessarily have to agree with the other person’s perspective, it’s important to do your best to empathize. It’s a lot easier to find a way to express your perspective in a more amenable way and to find common ground when you truly understand the other person, even if you don’t agree with them.
2: Confirm understanding and validate.
Before you respond, briefly summarize/reword what you heard from the other person, just to clarify that you’ve understood them correctly. This will also help the other person see that you are trying to understand them. It will make them feel heard. They will be more open to dialogue and compromise. Sometimes hearing things restated back to us also helps us to better process what we ourselves are trying to say. It may even help us to see any flaws or unreasonableness in some of the things we are saying.
For example, a few years ago, I was hammering out the social studies curriculum for 5th-8th graders with the fifth-grade teacher. I was so focused on extras and continuity in the Middle School curriculum that I did not realize that I was basically asking the fifth-grade teacher to cover over a year’s worth of material even though they only met every other day. To get me to realize this fact, the fifth-grade teacher simply restated what I had told her back to me. I felt quite embarrassed and mortified that I had not thought of that or realized what I had basically just asked her to do. She could have easily lashed out or have been passive-aggressive about it. But she just very calmly restated what I was saying to her to clarify what my expectations were.
Example sentence starters:
“So you’re saying ……”
“I hear you saying that…..is that correct?”
3: Respond.
After you’ve made sure that you properly understood what the other person is saying, you can agree, disagree, or ask more questions. It’s your turn to help them see your perspective. Lay it out as objectively as possible and focus on describing actions and behaviors. Don’t use labels for people, like calling a student lazy or disruptive. These types of labels are not informative and are demeaning. They will only add tension and hostility to the conversation. Instead, name and describe the behavior and state the effects it has on learning or on other people. You can say things like “Bobby’s sidebar conversations distract other students from doing their work and affect their grades,” or “(Specific behavior) takes time away from my teaching the class. And the other students have a right to learn”, etc.
Do your best to be clear and concise. Have a clear idea in your mind of what you want the other party to understand and make sure that your statements are directed towards this goal. If you have a goal and focus, it will be much easier to avoid non-productive comments, dwelling on the past, or playing the blame game.
Example Sentence Starters:
“I understand that you feel/think ___________. This is the effect it’s having in the classroom/learning/other people….”
“I understand that you feel that way or it’s this way for you…. ”
“I understand that you feel/think______. This is what I’m seeing_______. How can we resolve this/move forward?
4: Find common ground and move towards a resolution.
Once you’ve made yourself understood, work with the other party involved to find a solution. Agree on what is important to you both. State them and confirm that you’re on the same page. It’s a great starting point for figuring out a solution. It will help identify common goals that both parties can work towards.
Commit to a solution with specific and actionable tasks. This will provide direction and give the ability to track progress. You can track what parts of your action plan are working and what parts need to be adjusted. It will also help to see if the problem is the action plan or lack of follow through. This will prevent the feeling of being stuck and feelings of helplessness at the situation. Instead, everyone can focus on things that they can grow and improve.
5: If you cannot compromise, take a break to reflect.
Make a plan to revisit at a later but specific date. Even if you don’t solve it today, make a plan to revisit things and put it on the calendar. Don’t put it off indefinitely. This will force both parties to commit to reflecting and looking for solutions. Even if you weren’t able to come to an agreement today, you are able to walk away with an accurate view of the other person’s perspective and what the problem is. You can then spend time reflecting and thinking on possible solutions you can bring to the table. Time will also allow both parties to process and perhaps agree to compromise more than they were willing to at first.
Well, I hope this has been helpful. Remember, the key is to be respectful, to seek to understand and to work towards solutions rather than dwelling on the past or looking for blame.
All the best,
Emmi